Well, I had my 3 month check up w/ my oncologist a couple of days ago and my HcG levels are still negative. That is a great thing. So, I’m almost at 5 months of having my beta levels (hormone levels) below zero. My oncologist is very conservative and has advised me to not try to get pregnant again until sometime in 2012. Oh well, at least everything is moving in the right direction.
I look back on this last year and I just can’t believe it. At this time last year I was clueless to a lot. I had no idea how it felt to be pregnant. I was completely unaware of all the difficulties involved w/ pregnancies (molar pregnancy, tubal, miscarriage, etc). I certainly never knew how “perfect” everything has to be in order to just get pregnant and how difficult that is for some. I had never even heard of all the things that can go wrong. I was oblivious to how and what it was like. Even more strange is that I never ever knew I would be so excited about being pregnant or the idea of bringing another human in to the world. I wasn’t even sure at this time last year that I ever even wanted children. When I saw the “stick” change and say positive, this strange elation overcame me. I remember thinking—how and why am I so excited? I wasn’t even sure 5 mins ago that I would ever want children. I’m just being honest here. I quickly realized that in a moment everything can change. I went from not wanting children to full-blown over enjoyment when seeing the word “positive”. Then, the horrible emotions after realizing that I would not be having a baby. This all happened in a few minutes and a few weeks. I love roller coasters, but I never want to be on that emotional coaster again. Ever! It really makes you think. Hearing my oncologist say that I shouldn’t “try” again until 2012 was a bit of a relief. I am very nervous about trying again. I don’t know if I could handle another molar pregnancy. It truly was horrible and only MG and I will ever understand. Others want to be there for you, but most don’t even know what it is and can’t fathom what it is like. It is different from a miscarriage. Unfortunately, my story seems gentle when you hear about the stories from other people. As bad as I thought I had it, it could have been much worse.
Also, at this time last year, life had its hiccups, but I had no idea what else was ahead of me. The horror of hearing that my mom had breast cancer and would need a mastectomy. Losing my best friend (Tazz, my dog) only 9 months after losing my other best friend (Stryker, my dog). Not to mention the heartache that MG has felt during all of this. The men in our lives tend to be overlooked, but this was all just as difficult for him. His emotions have been tossed upside down as well. Actually, it may be worse for him. At least I knew how I felt, if my body was ok, my mind, etc. He was a silent bystander. Just waiting to hear every bit of news from me or the doctor or whoever. It wasn’t “happening” to him, so it actually was probably more difficult to stand by me, trying to stay positive and not knowing what was going on.
So, who knows what tomorrow will hold and what I will be writing about at this time next year. All I know is that I could not be more proud of my fiance, my family (in-laws included) and friends. Somehow we have gotten through some of the worst tragedies in our lives to date, all in a 9 month period, w/ our heads high and anxious to see what our future holds. I have learned a lot about a lot. I have come out of all of this w/ such knowledge, strength, positive feelings and ready to grab life and hold on to it. I’m a little gun shy about some things and I have had my breakdowns, but I’m a better person. Stronger. Happier. Somewhat more sure. I at least know that I can handle a lot and can survive. I’m a very different person in many ways than 9 months ago. I’m ready to move forward. I’m staying positive. Don’t get me wrong, I still have some sorrows. I always will, that’s life. The point is–I’ve learned, grown, changed and I’m trying to help others. I’ve come to some realizations and I still have many more to go. Stay strong, stay positive and keep chugging. Take the blows that life gives you, we all have them. Learn from it, dust yourself off and get going. The longer we sit and worry, stir, stay angry–the less we are living. Trust me, you don’t want to miss anything. Life is too short. Get going or miss out. Even the hard times are lessons and worth taking in.
“Make It A Great Day–Go Inspire!”