This post is difficult to write b/c I feel like I’m a strong, independent person. I don’t like to admit that anything scares me. This post is going to speak about me, from the heart. Hopefully, it reaches to you guys, but this is the way I think. You guys may have different thoughts and reactions and I’d love to hear about them.
I find that I have trouble sharing my fears. Some of my friends/family are the same, but others are an open book. They have no problem admitting anything. I go through stages where every time I lie down to go to sleep, my mind races. I’ve noticed that all my thoughts and fears tend to flood me at bedtime. Maybe its b/c I’m too busy during the days, I don’t know. As you know, this has been a rough year, a year I’ve had to learn, grow and overcome a lot. During this, I feel stronger and more knowledgeable. I feel like I’m way more grounded and thoughtful. On the contrary, I also feel like I’ve changed a lot. I fear things more than I ever used to. When I speak of fears for now, I’m talking emotional. Not fears such as, flying, getting hurt, etc. I’m talking the deep fears that are closed inside of us. These fears usually come from experiences. I’ve noticed that people have no trouble talking about being scared of flying, dying, claustrophobic, whatever. But most of us seem to have trouble discussing our inner fears, such as, concern over losing someone close to you, anxieties, leaving a partner or being left by a partner. These are journeys that we have to go through and I feel that if we express ourselves in these more vulnerable fears we can help ourselves, but also will help others. It’s therapy w/ a pen or keyboard. Usually by expressing how you’re feeling, what you’re thinking, you work through things on your own.
During this past year of losing both of my dogs, my mother having a mastectomy and myself having a molar pregnancy, I have acquired some new fears. Yes, I am always anxious right before I fly, but once I’m on the plane I’m fine. I actually enjoy the take-off b/c I love roller coasters and that’s what it feels like. Again, not the type of fears I’m talking about today. My problem is that sometimes late at night I start to worry. I begin feeling very lonely. I worry a lot about my fiance, my best friend, my parents, my in-laws. Meaning I worry about their health. I’ve lost a lot this year and I’m truly terrified of losing more. I couldn’t imagine my life w/o my two boys(Stryker and Tazz). Now that they are gone and I realize how much that hurt and still hurts (where my loneliness comes from), that I really couldn’t imagine life w/o the people mentioned above. I always prayed for health of my loved ones, but lately I’m actually worried. The reality of sitting in the doctor’s office w/ my mother when he told her she had breast cancer was torture. You don’t know what to say, think, do. How bad is it? I can’t live w/o my mother, she’s my best friend. This can’t happen. I just lost my 2 best friends (my dogs). Then, my best friend’s mother passed in Feb. It all starts feeling too close. These are all things I’ve never dealt w/ before. I catch myself worrying over small coughs, weird noises, driving, etc. For example, if MG has a minor cough, I worry about the fact that what if its more. He has asthma, maybe its more serious. See where I’m coming from? All b/c I don’t want anything to happen to them. I’m just so afraid of losing someone close to me. I don’t worry about myself.
Other fears that people around me have mentioned. There are people afraid to leave a relationship. If it’s not a healthy relationship, you need to move on. A lot of times this fear comes from being alone, the routine all relationships have, what others will think of you. We get comfortable where we are and don’t want to spend time by ourselves. We have to be ok w/ being alone before we can be w/ someone else. Another are anxieties. Its ok if you get anxious in a crowded place, going somewhere new and not knowing exactly where you are. It seems that these types of issues are things that “we” as humans will take drugs for, go to therapy, etc, but won’t share w/ the ones that are closest to us. Save your money and just try expressing yourself to someone you trust. Most times things will be much clearer if you do. Afraid of failure. I want to start teaching some of my own outdoor exercise sessions like I used to. I haven’t b/c I’m afraid of failure. What if no one shows up, don’t like my class, and so on? I’m not from here, so I don’t have a ton of contacts and credit. Some people are so afraid of failure they have eating disorders, stay in bad relationships, don’t try for a job promo. All fears we “close” away. It’s almost like people are embarrassed to talk about these types of fears.
I also have a lot of guilt. Since all the surgery, bloodwork, etc that I’ve had to go through lately b/c of my molar pregnancy, I haven’t been there for people I love. I wasn’t able to get home w/ my mother during her surgery (mastectomy), I couldn’t get home for my best friend when her mother passed. These weigh heavily on me every day. How do I overcome these fears? I’m not sure yet. I’m working on it. It’s not a healthy way to live. You have to have concern over people you love, but you shouldn’t overdo it. I’m overdoing it, but can’t stop yet. Time will help.
So, this post was very difficult for me to open up about, but I’m hoping by writing this, it will help others open up and express. It’s ok to have these fears, anxieties, guilts. You just can’t let it overcome you. Our minds have to learn to deal w/ tragedy and hard times and we have to move forward, as difficult as it may be. Maybe by writing and expressing, I’m working on dealing with mine. Hope this helps and I’d love to hear from any of you who want to try expressing the fears that we usually don’t feel “open” to sharing.
“Make It A Great Day–Go Inspire!”